Thank goodness for the loud hum of the hairdryer to block out the Incessant Blathering of these two women, one short and fat, one tall and slim, in the changeroom at the gym this morning. It was like they had just met and had Entire Worlds of information to share and learn of each other. On and on. And on. Some of the useless information now forcibly ingrained in my brain, and I must stress this is a very small samplingall sampling, includes:
One of the two has a fabulous new skin cream and please try it and wow this great and where did you get it and they don’t sell it anymore and my husband felt so bad so he sent me some really expensive stuff but it’s just not the same, not as LIGHT, and besides I don’t like the scented stuff and on and on.
One has a kid graduatng from grade eight this year and they are taking a trip to Montréal as a graduation present and you should have seen her face when I said « shopping » and there’s a den in the condo so we’ll just bring inflatable mattresses and I’m going the same weekend as you and why don’t we all go together and on and on.
One has a kid in some sport and it’s just « block and jab » and she is a level one at the cusp of level two and the tournament is only level two so we’ll find out if she will be allowed to participate and you should have seen her blocking I have never seen such a bluff and you must be so proud and on and on.
Like shut the fuck up already. Take your long, floppy breasts and your small, perky breasts (quite nice, actually, and considering she’s had two kids) and go chat over a coffee.
At your house.
I saw an episode of Kenny Vs. Spenny once and they were having a contest to see who would stop singing first so they just sang and sang, anything and everything that popped into their head, every nursery rhyme they’d ever learned.
It was like that.
I go to exit the underground parking at the gym and realize I have forgotten to validate my ticket. So I go back upstairs, do so, and look at the clock. I am now one minute over my two free hours. So I have to pay. So I go downstairs to the machine to pay. They only accept credit cards. I don’t use the evil things. So now I was going to have to walk out to the nearest bank to withdraw twenty dollars and walk back to pay this lovely machine the three dollar fee I now owe due to me forgetting to validate my ticket. Thankfully I was in no rush and found the ridiculous chain of events hilarious. « Are you fucking kidding me? » I said, laughing, to the machine, who was all ears, of course. I turned around and saw there was a security guard there. He asked what the problem was, and I proceed to detail the whole ordeal to him, finding it all very funny as well as mildly frustrating. When I finished my little soliloquy, he stepped forward and said solemnly: « I’m going to open the gate for you. »
I didn’t even realize he had the power to do this. I just told him the whole story because I thought it was funny. And the way he said it to me in a secretive, sly way, was just too precious. « Thank you sooooooooooooooo much! » I exclaimed.
Yet again, more proof: people are awesome.
And so are hairdryers.