Joy

My Forever Precious and Beautiful Sacred Olive,

Hello, My Sweetest, My Darling, My Little Love. Mommy is so very, very, sad today. I am devastated, My Little Love.

Yesterday we had our big day at Mount Sinai where I was going to HEAR your precious little heart beat for the very first time. Instead, the technician told me she was having trouble detecting a heartbeat and needed help. She left me in the room for an eternity and I cried and cried and cried. Then I felt shame for losing faith and thinking the worst. She was just getting help! I guess this is what they call denial.

Finally she came back and told me that we were moving me to the consultation room where someone was going to come and speak to me. As I waited there, next door, I heard the technician changing the paper on the bed where I had laid with you and I realized I wasn’t going back in there. I was juggling all the clues, including the deadpan look of alarm in the technician’s eyes. I sat there and cried for you, My Sweet Little Baby. I cried and cried and cried. Finally a woman came into the room and said, « I am sorry we are meeting under these circumstances. » « What circumstances!? » I cried. And then I cried some more.

The woman told me that judging by your size, you stopped your precious little journey at nine and a half weeks, when you were just the size of a beautiful and adorable little olive. Oh, My Precious Love, what made your beautiful little heart stop beating? What happened to My Little Superhero? Why did The Universe take you away from me!?

Oh, My Little Love! I’m so devastated we will never meet! I’m so sorry if I failed you! I love you so much! Even now, knowing you have left me, I love you and I will always love you. I will never forget YOU. My beautiful friends have been wonderfully loving and supportive through Mommy’s pain. They said I can still get pregnant again and Mommy will try to have another child but I can’t even entertain that thought right now because today I only want to think about YOU, My Beautiful and Sacred Olive. Today is OUR time. And even though you actually left me two and a half weeks ago, I didn’t know. And you know what they say: ignorance is bliss. It sure was, My Little Love. It sure as heck was.

And guess what Mommy did? I stole a picture of you! When the technician left me alone forever in that room, and after I’d cried for a long time, I jumped up and took a photo of the screen of the ultrasound images. My Little Love, you sure aren’t a blurry white blob anymore! Not at all! You are a fully formed and fully adorable little baby, you know that!? You accomplished so much in there and Mommy is very, very proud of you! You are My Baby. I miss you so much, My Sweet Little Baby! I miss you so so much. I am so sad I will never hold you like I have been blissfully dreaming of.

Uncle John thinks it is a bad idea that I stole those pictures of you. He is worried that I will fixate on them and perseverate over them and never heal. He may be right, for a little while. And I don’t care. I am allowing myself to feel this pain, this guilt, this failure, this loss, this long goodbye. I’m allowing myself to call myself Mommy right up until the end of this letter. I’m allowed. I lost the most precious thing I have ever known.

You want to know what else, My Precious Love? A while ago, a friend of mine, knowing I like to write, gave me a little writing assignment, which was sweet. He said, in one hundred words each, write about love, conflict and joy. I wrote about love right away. I wrote about conflict right away. Strangely, I was not able to write about joy.

Until now.

My Little Love, the seven weeks that the Universe blessed Mommy with the sacred knowledge of your existence, that time we had together was the most calm and intense joy I have ever felt. The peace was uncanny. Mommy is terribly, terribly sad now, it’s true, but I wouldn’t give up those seven weeks of the joy of you to evade this pain and devastation. You taught Mommy so many things during your short stay, you know that? You did, My Baby. I am forever changed for the better. I am forever blessed to have known You, My Precious Love. I will never forget you and I will never replace you. If the Universe blesses Mommy with a brother or sister for you, I will tell them about the sibling that blessed me with seven weeks of the purest joy I have ever known.

Auntie Darren said that I should name you and bid you rest under this name. I don’t know if you were a beautiful little boy or a beautiful little girl, but I do know that you will always be my precious and sacred olive, and that is the name I shall always remember you by. My Sacred Olive. Funny name to give a kid, huh, My Precious Little Love? Sometimes Mommy is silly. And remember, I had wanted to teach you laughter!

I love you! Mommy loves you, Sacred Olive. Thank you so so so so much for your wonderful visit. You made Mommy very, very, very happy. You will always remain in my heart.

Love you forever, My Sacred Olive,

Your Proud Mama.

tout est possible

À propos de Stina

If I could tell you about me in a neat and tidy definitive statement, I don't think I'd be writing this blog.
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